Acceptable Losses: Hang Halter
by Thanatos-Aire
Summary: 31 friendship, Tro POV, death.  “The only thing harder than being a soldier is loving one.”


title: Acceptable Losses: Hang Halter  
part: 1/1 complete  
date: May 2007 

author: ThanatosAire (Airi M.)  
contact: death.in.a.box13

genre: Shin Kidou Senki Gundam Wing  
rating: PG-13  
warnings: death, liberal profanity, major angst

cast: 31 friendship  
notes: Trowa POV. The States had their Memorial Day and it was... upsetting. So I wrote.

trailer: "The only thing harder than being a soldier is loving one."  
disclaimer: I don't own, claim to own, or make profit off of any copyrighted elements.

* * *

So… 

Here we are again, old friend.

(stroke the stone, the grass; a gentle sigh)

I wish I could come up with something new to tell you; doesn't it get boring hearing the same crap? I wish I could do something other than just sit here, staring and babbling on; there must be something more, something else more fulfilling.

Of course, I also wish I never had come. That I didn't need to be here -- not "that I didn't feel the need to come" but "that there was no reason to be here"…

As in, you weren't here.

As in, I wish you hadn't died.

…

(eyes close, the breeze feels too nice for such a day, another sigh)

I'm on the fence about wishing for company. I know I'd hate having other people walking around me, watching my weakness, seeing me here with you.

But I hate it more that I'm all alone here.

That I'm all alone here today.

What's wrong with people? You and I fought for a year and there were thousands affected by that… the war lasted almost two decades. Where are all the families? Where are all the veterans?

It's War Day, dammit. And no one is at the cemetery except me and the gardener.

(fists clench, eyes still closed, the breeze disappears from the trees)

It's War Day and everyone's out buying on-sale furniture so that they have something to sit on when they go home to drink beer 'cause they don't have to work today. It's War Day and everyone's too busy watching television marathons and sleeping in and having a barbeque to bother remembering the loved ones who aren't coming to the party.

…

"Why?" doesn't even begin to cover it.

You always told me I covered too much up, and I agree my face is still as bland as it was the day I saved your ass on the battlefield, but… I don't think you ever understood why I do it.

Everyone looks at me and says I'm stoic. That I'm cold or unemotional… uncaring, empty.

It's not fucking true. Especially since that mission that went sour.

(hand strikes ground, a bird fluttering away startled from the sound of my voice)

Dammit!

I have to keep it all inside, away from people. There's so much, so much that it would hurt the ones around me.

(cool grass against heated forehead, the breeze is back)

Ever since you died, there's been so much anger… You have no idea what you did to me, do you?

Fuck you Yuy. Fuck you ten times over with a goddamned cherry on top.

You gave me everything I needed. You were the first person I gave back to since Mid betrayed me and left. You were my friend. My friend, Yuy, and you fucking left me like everyone else did!

…

(--tears?--)

You were my friend. Only the Captain ever got so much loyalty from me. You should have been fucking honoured: I trusted you.

… I trusted you, goddamn it! You fucking cowardly son of a bitch, I trusted you. You were supposed to have been there for me, like friends are, like comrades, like brothers, like family.

But now you're dead and I'm all alone in a military graveyard on a holiday that's supposed to celebrate your in-vain demise, and I can't keep a grip on these emotions threatening to spill out and oh my fucking god, Heero, I miss you so much…!

(can't breathe, can't breathe!)

I can't… I can't…

…

Why?

Why, goddamn it, why…?!

Fuck the damned colonies, fuck the goddamned planet. Mars too! They can all just kiss my fucking merc Gundam-flying mechanic clown ass. I don't care anymore. I don't. I can't.

… I can't.

… I just… There's so much inside, but there's nothing there to pull out and give to the cause. There's all the wrong things for giving a crap, for pushing to go forward, onward, onward goddammit, like a goddamned soldier.

… I just… How can I? Why should I?

Why do I even have to bother? You told me once to follow my emotions--

(yes, definitely tears)

--you didn't yell at me for trying to self-destruct.

… Odd. I never realised… I hadn't thought you knew…

…

A month earlier, I would have done it, Cathy there or not. No hesitation. 'Cause that's what cold-blooded savage terrorist rebel murderers like us do, anything for the cause. Right, Ro?

But you… you had done it. You had survived and I couldn't let you down because now you were my friend and everything was different. You did it once,

You survived.

Fuck you. Just throw it in my goddamned face, would you? Sure. You don't die when we're complete strangers, but once we manage to become buddies you off and get yourself killed in a fucking routine assignment.

You asshole.

… You fucking--

(sigh, grapple at the grass, deep breaths)

… I, I think that's what hurts the most. You got through so much: the training, the self-destruction, the ZERO system, peacetime, Mei's coup… You went through things most people probably don't do in several lifetimes, and then… It's the greatest fucking irony in history. Seriously.

The great Heero Yuy, indestructible to the core, felled by a school bus while chasing some low-level streetjunkie.

(jerky laughs, there's bare spots in the grass)

Goddammit I miss you, you son of a bitch.

…

We always worked best as a team, the five of us.

Heh, no we didn't. Who'm I kidding? We all worked best alone, but in pairs we did great, and as an army we saved the planet, but that doesn't mean shit, does it? We never actually worked together. The five of us were never at the same place at the same time in battle, were we?

At least, not working together. The few times we were all gathered, it was me versus Quat and Fei against the world and hell if I know what that thing between you and Duo was about. But you didn't need me either, and… and…

…

(sleep?)

…

(haven't slept since your birthday, curls up)

…

(grass is cool, you're beneath me, can feel it, can feel you)

…

(twitches awake)

You're… still gone? Damn.

Wha—where was I? I thought we were talking about duty or something, right? I got lost… you always managed to confuse me…

… We all still need to be together. The five of us, the Gundam terrorists, now that we're one short we're not a team anymore. It's just four vet's bumming around with each other.

The guys miss you too.

Of course they do, hell, Une misses you and she only knew you for a whole month before you got yourself killed. But Ro, Jesus Christ, Ro… we're falling apart.

…You're killing us….

Quat hasn't slept since the accident, Duo's throwing himself into assignments that we all know are gonna kill him one of these days, Fei's got this alcohol issue right now… and me… well, you know how my days've been. Cathy kicked me out of the circus the day after we were all here for your birthday. Did I tell you? Said not to come back 'til I had my head out of the clouds and could concentrate.

'Course, she hasn't let me do anything less menial than face-painting since I tripped off the high-wire. You know 'bout that act, right? Trapeze, tightrope, and swords all rolled into one. It was beautiful. I did it for you.

I tripped for you too.

(strangled laugh, choking, sharp gasp)

Cathy doesn't appreciate the irony. Thought it was an accident, that I'd get hurt and kill myself on accident.

She doesn't know. I couldn't explain it to her either, y'know? I mean, how do I tell her what it was suppose to mean? To her, to the rest of the circus, the audience, it was all just some showy moves for their entertainment.

But the truth was, I did it all on purpose.

The act was for you. The fall was for you.

It wasn't an accident.

…

No, I'd never let myself fall. Heh. It was planned, it had to have been. Who else could shake me up enough to do something stupid like that? It was all for you.

It was suppose to have been the redux of our last night at the circus during the war: my last performance.

(eyes close again, the breeze wrapping around)

You didn't let me die back then, and now… Why does it matter? You're dead, Heero, you shouldn't care if I'm alive.

You shouldn't care.

… You should've been there, it was glorious… The only time I've ever performed with feeling behind it. I was happy. Yeah, happy.

When was the last time I didn't have fifty million emotions bottling up inside so bad I had to hide them behind masks?

But I survived my self-destruction last month just like you survived yours two years ago. But the difference, the only difference, is that I didn't have anyone to pick me up after that, pick me up from the battlefield.

Dammit, Yuy.

I guess, somewhere inside amidst all those suppressed emotions, was the hope that you'd take me away from there. Swoop in on your pale horse – Wing of course, silly, sometimes you're too obtuse for… never mind. Just, just know that I kinda wanted you to rescue me.

It is after all, your fault that I'm in this position to begin with. The least you could do was get me out of it.

But I don't suppose it really matters. I mean, after all, you're dead... Yuy, damn you. You're dead so you shouldn't care if I tried to off myself back there. You shouldn't care if I bleed all over your grave…

I wish…

(the sun sets -- it's beautiful)

It's War Day. Someone's bound to visit sometime today, right? … Someone's bound to come through and rescue me the way I rescued you, broken and bloody and comatose and betrayed…

Maybe it's good then that people are too stupid and aren't here. 'Cause you know what? Fuck it.

Yeah… Fuck it, Yuy. I've wasted enough time mourning over you, Ro, now I just want something for myself and…

… I wish you did care.

You really are the death of me, Yuy. Damn you for it. Damn me for it.

(deep sigh, eyes closed, shiver)

The team's already broken without you. It doesn't matter if there's two missing pieces now, 'cause we haven't been whole since you left. We're just falling apart, away, tumbling jigsaw pieces that can't fit together because we all only connect to the piece in the middle.

You were our centre. You were the heart of outer space. You were our rock.

Bastard.

You left us to deal with the peace you won with the people you were worshipped by. Don't you know? Heero Yuy, saviour of the known galaxy…

Saviour and executioner.

(wind's picking up, falling?, flying, breeze through my hair)

I wonder if the world will fall apart because you're missing. If it's taken me this long, Sanque can't be too far behind. I wonder how Relena's dealing with your death.

You know, maybe she doesn't even know.

I almost didn't. You just up and left and expected me to follow your lead, just like every other time we worked together. No explanation, no askance, just walking off to a new destination with the occasional glance over the shoulder to see if I was still, stupidly, lagging behind.

Was it worth it?

Did it mean anything to you? I never really thought about it – if it was just annoying, bothering you. Although I still say you needed me.

(wind rips at my clothes, falling/flying, to you, falling, falling)

Stubborn brat, you never did listen to me when I told you to take it easy with the wounds.

… Do you think if I had been there, beside you, to yell at you for your certifiably stupid decisions, that you'd've stayed? If I was there at the hospital to berate you for being a masochistic fool, that it would have been just like old times and you'd shrug it off and be back to playing resident superhero in an hour?

Or am I just rambling nonsense because I never had anyone to tell me my decisions were dumb and that's why I'm laying on a grave in the middle of nowhere bleeding to death because you stole the centre you fucking bastard gods Ro how could you leave me like this…

… why…

I wish… I wish… I wish I knew why.

'Cause then I could have stopped it. I know I could have. I wouldn't have let myself not.

Yeah.

Would have saved your ass again and maybe then there would have been time for you to save mine…

(stop; clutches grass, hangs on, can't touch-- stretches)

I wish… I wish we really were friends. Because you never cared about anything except the mission and maybe I could have changed that if you'd only let me.

But well, wishes are for fools.

And I'm the biggest one, hiding behind a mask that hides behind a clown mask. Ironic, isn't it?

You're the one no one ever thought could die and I was the one everyone thought never bent.

I wish… that I didn't have to wish.

But you're dead and shouldn't care about it, and I'm dying and don't, not anymore.

(soft snort)

… Dying really does hurt like hell.

I really wish it didn't.

* * *

owari 


End file.
